The Marriage Vows Makeover

Through marriage, this clueless man and this sweet, gullible woman will try to make a commitment to fly in the face of logic, ignore warning signs and put off the inevitable until they get good and sick of each other.

Do you (GROOM'S NAME) take (BRIDE'S NAME) to be your lawfully wedded wife?  To live in claustrophobic proximity?  Will you ignore her, belittle her dreams, keep her up late with your snoring, in sickness and in health, forsaking all reason as long as you don’t kill each other?

And you there, girl in white (smirk). Do you take (GROOM'S NAME) to be your lawfully wedded husband? Will you pretend to obey his every wish and command and then do the exact opposite?  Will you max out the credit cards when you’re pissed off?  Will you fantasize about Jake Gyllenhaal when GroomBoy is trying to make love to you?  Keeping yourself only unto him as long as you don’t meet somebody better?

Alright then.  What God has joined together – let no man put asunder- unless he’s got a damn good pre-nup.  And so, by the power vested in me by the State of Denial I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss-off the bride.