A Real Dog & Pony Show

The party had everything -- snow cones, cotton candy, ponies, and even a dog. And we didn't even have to hire the last one. It's hard to believe, but I went the entire party without ever making eye contact with the T.O.W.ster. To be honest, after the first five minutes, it was like she wasn't even there. And in my mind, she wasn't because she no longer existed in my world. She wasn't even a blip on my radar.

I did have to laugh at the end of the day. Never one to miss an opportunity for irony, the Fedster pulled me aside to thank me for "welcoming" T.O.W to the party.

"You could have at least thanked her for coming," he said seriously.

I waited for him to laugh at his very own punchline, but he remained solemn. Was he kidding me? Thank her???? He's lucky I even let her pass through my threshhold. The first time I invited that bloodsucker into my house I was powerless as she drained the very life out of my marriage and the bane of my existance. I always said it would be the last time I made that mistake. Apparently, that wasn't the case.

I looked at J-Fed deadpan.

"You, my friend, are f-ing crazy if you believe I'm going to 'thank' T.O.W. for coming to the party. It's never enough for you, J-Fed," I said.

He let the subject drop, but later informed me that T.O.W. found the party to be "pleasant, yet uncomfortable." She's lucky it wasn't bloody yet painful.